Teach Me to Teleport

I'm reminded of a time where my mom almost died in my arms. This day, to no surprise, was the day I understood my role as the self acclaimed "man of the house". I was quickly endowed with duties no 16 year old should have to take up. I remember I looking deep into her eyes only to see her soul absent from within. Her head hung low with no strength or energy to raise it herself. Suddenly, my little brother bursts into tears and inadvertently exacerbates the situation. As bad as I wanted to join him , I abstained; fore it was up to me to save my mother's life.



A wise man once told me that "often times we don't celebrate the one's we love until it's too late." Those words replay sporadically the more I notice my maturation and growing divergence from my family.  I strive to liberate my baby brother and two little cousins by living an example but at the same time I worry if this example will do just. I'm not here always to provide the nightly lectures on life to them and encourage scholastic excellence like in high school. Of course cell phones allow me to do these things sometimes but technology takes away from the depth of emotions conveyed so they can really never "feel what I'm saying". Only to add, what if my mother spazzes out again? What if my grandmother dies suddenly? How can a group of 11 and 12 yr olds be prepared for that? they cant. They are not ready and the mere sight of that will haunt them forever. They are always going to reflect on what they could have done to better/prevent the situation or show more appreciation for their guardians while they were alive.

So what can I do as a brother to have a coexistence? To be here at Morehouse and Corporate America and also at home to care for them? I propose that question rhetorically but I do passionately yearn for an answer. Dr. Hollingsworth told me that the best thing I can do is lead by example and capture my dreams. He told me that I only got to where I am by hard work and therefore I should let them endure as well. But Doc, my dream is to free them from this burden.

My grandmother has been hurt all her life and hides her pain in her involvement at church. (This has contributed to my aversion towards church heavily but that's another topic for another post on another day.) Having her mother pass at an early age of nine, both of her kids the products of an act of rape, and her husband smelling like the vagina juices of another woman nearly every night, she is highly implosive and erupts in church: her safe haven. My mother left by my father whom fled to SC and TX to raise his other family while constantly belittling her from a far, always looks down on herself. She's insatiable not because she has high standards but because she feels she is never good enough. On top of that, she has lupus, a sickness that keeps her body in pain and she is back living with her mother--at the age of 40. My brother and two younger cousins must find ways to live in this house and be sensitive to these factors without not being totally aware what is going on. We have never been in the best of financial positions so these youngins can't get the luxuries of life nevertheless an unfettered childhood experience.

So to respond to Dr. Hollingsworth's statement, freeing them all from this burden is my dream. It is the reason I work so hard. It is what makes me happy. I don't care much for being fashion forward or Mr Popular (in fact, I find it hard to be completely sociable because I'm always worrying about something). They perceive me as their messiah and damn it, I will not let them down. I'll conform to their perception of me and I will deliver. This obstacle of coexistence plagues my mind a lot becuase I worry at the improbability of it. Coexistence only seems attainable to those whom have the ability to teleport. I wonder, if teleporting is a skill that can be taught. If not, how can I still be the superman they expect me to be?