Im at a Paradox

I'm at a crossroads and before I begin to blab my way into a direction I must first apologize to my girlfriend, J'Nae. See last night I was on Facebook...posting pictures and instant messaging friends like and nonproductive facebook addict would do. Out of nowhere my ex and I began to have this rather weird conversation about the purpose of a quickie.

She had a debate with a friend and decided to argue with me for further clarification on the purpose of a quickie and what makes it worthwhile. Me and her can have conversations like that because we have em all the time lol. If we didn't date before and have this mysterious aura of "what if" between us all the time, I can honestly say I think she'd be a great candidate for a best friend. We're that cool.

So the conversation altered a couple times until we came to the point of ..."What ever happened between us?" We used to be a couple that was unbreakable with chemistry unmatchable. My friends envied me and my family was dying to meet her. Heres a post I wrote about how I felt about her during the summer. But now it seems as if were just accepting the roles of Exes with good convos. So I decided to be candidly honest. ...It was really me trying to hold on to a bond that was losing existence. My thesis is, we separated due to my anticipation of matriculation that engendered insecurities throughout her mindset that we wouldn't be able to sustain our relationship because of all the distractions and schedule changes I would undergo. I think at this point she became so meticulous that she was noticing everything. From things I do normally, to things I didnt notice I do, to things I may have thought I was slick doing. She caught everything...and I tried to defend everything. And. . .that never goes well with her lol...So as time went on..our chemistry flopped and our relationship ended. I wanted to hold on to it cause we've put so much into it butI realized that maybe it was the end of our season, so I hopped off the bandwagon when given the chance. [She really cut me though lol =( ]

Looking back on what I left, I felt dumb, illogically thrived and like a failure. She was the best girl Ive ever had and I let it go...Instead of fighting through it I let it go...That easy huh Jeff??? It ate me up inside...but I concealed it and tried to get adjusted to the good friends role. It was going very well, and still can..but last night she revealed something to me that had me like "FUCK!!".

I thought the way I felt was not mutual but I was wrong. She wrote a post on a blog we made together to elaborate how felt about each other during the relationship that in essence said "I miss you but I don't want you" ..lol fucked up! lol....So I started thinking. And rather hard.

If I had have said something before it got too late would I still have my ex as my "first lady"? If I chased after her now would that even be right?

I started a relationship with a female up here at Spelman and shes such a good girlfriend! I swear shes the shit!...but So many feeling of the past plague my heart right now. Reminiscing on the past is killing me. Its like...I want to recapture my past...but that doesn't seem ethical. And I want to embrace my future but that doesn't seem logical. I cant be alone cuz that's a double lost.....I'm at a paradox. It seems like the fair thing to do isn't right and the right thing to do isn't fair.

Blogspot...what would you do?

Oct. 23. . .

So today is the Big 18 for me. Sadly I don't feel the need for a rite of passage, but I do feel the amazing love from my friends, my family, and facebook strangers. I really feel appreciated and honestly I must say I haven't had this feeling in a while. So to everybody who has already shot me a "Happy Birthday" or plan to...thank you. You've really made an impact on my thinking. You've challenged me to take the time to consider those who love me and care for me. I figure doing this will chisel away at the stress I continue to carry and dwell upon. You guys have no clue how good I feel right now. A wise woman once said "The tears you shed at a funeral are fueled by the words unsaid and the deeds undone"...I feel like I'm at a moral funeral; I'm killing all my previous stress and things I took for granted and now I'm taking the time to shed emotion with the words that would have remained "unsaid".. . .I love you guys man.

I found this interesting. . .

Why is it called a flea market?

This is a jocular term for an open-air or street market for mainly secondhand merchandise, which would be the type of items that might be infested with fleas. The first flea markets were in Paris and they were called marché aux puces which translates to 'market with fleas'. Flea market first appeared in English in 1922 as a translation of the French market's name. Flea is of Germanic origin (fleah) and was not spelled flea until after 1550. A synonym is flea fair.


Bibliograpghy
http://dictionary.reference.com/help/faq/language/e18.html

Strolling...

Strolling...
Externally, it seems to be a cool, innocuous lady-getter. Heretically the internal perspective is much different than that. When you actually join the team, much comes with it. Pain with sacrifice on top of extreme patience seems to be the recipe for the external reward. So with one knowing this, I must ask: Why does one still participate in strolling?

See the fact of the matter is blatantly apparent. Those engaged in strolling originally have the intent to gain social respect, establish a sense of of belonging or gain a few more females. They prize these goals so high that they're willing to waste at least four hours a day and put thier thier body through excrutiating pain to attain them. Whilst doing so, over time these "strollers" gain a sense of pride and brotherhood from all the painful, time-consuming practices. Once the aura of unity is amongst them, strolling is no more driven by implied intentions. Strolling is now an avocation driven by pride.

Spirecular Dualism

So Im on the phone with my mom telling her about this military scholarship that my father and I have applied for together. Whilst doing so I explain to her the bleakness of the situation and she immediately interrupts me and says "I dont wanna hear all dat. Boy you got favor. I already prayed about this." Thats great! But of coarse I would have written this if I didnt have a rebuttle.

I notice alot of times that Christians are optimistic. And I admire that! BUT...Are they too optimistic not to be realistic. My family has repititively hit me with "I got favor", "I prayed about it" , and "Dont worry...Just pray". Ill do that guys, but shouldnt I still consider the contingencies of the situation? I think the term that will address this is "spiritually blind optimism".

They are spiritual so they are taught to go off beliefs rather than reality in most cases. They are taught to put all thier beans into one pot...the God Pot (lol). For the record, I am not implying any type of subordination to the belief system nor God. Im just talking. But back to my point. . . . --> They are optimistic becuase of the way they practice applying their beliefs. I.e. - God you are the provider. If I ask for it, you will give it to me..thats what the word says. SO Im not worried about paying my bill, I just know youll handle it." (exaggeration) They have extreme hope but are blind becuase they dont take into account that even though they practice religion in belief they are still present in the secular world. I feel that they should open their eyes and put as much secular work into erradicating the obstacle, as they would into praying.

My thesis is this.

Christians (the ones i've encountered) practice thier belief system like much of the Greeks practiced everyday life (if you havent noticed...I love Ancient Greece). With that I find the need to address this situatoin as the great philosopher Plato analyzed his people. Plato developed a term called "Platonic Dualism", meaning that his people lived in two realms, a higher and a lower realm. The higher realm were the people who lived thier lives directed by philosophies, ideas, and pure knowledge. The lower realm were the people who relied on senses to lead them in the right direction. Plato argued that the lower realm wasnt the way to go becuase senses can easily decieve you. Think about it, its logical. What you smell isnt always what you see and what you touch isnt always what you hear.....Are you seeing the parallism yet?

I feel like Christians do the same. They have reciprocated the two realms where as they rely on a tool apart from pure knowledge and philosphy to lead them. Basically not considering the actuality of the situation and look down upon the "lower realm" in this case; the realm of strict knowledge. Maybe if the barrier was erradicated (thats my fav word), christians would prosper more?...Thats overwhelmingly specious but its logical. Most christians occupy positions in the lower working class of america...With that I will make my mark on Websters face and coin my own term; Spirecular dualism. -->Spir-spiritual, -ecular- secular , dualism - joining the two<-- My conclusion is that if Christians joined the two "realms" of being into one way of viewing the world and approaching problems, that maybe they would prosper more (hence maybe because NOBODY knows how God operates) and stress less. Think about it...


. . , i should stop picking on religion. I always get bad feelings afterwards like Im corrupting the minds of ppl or something. Will I be next to drink Hamlet?...like Socrates? =(....ahhhhh just joshin!! Lol

...WEBSTER...Get at me!

Im not satisfied. . .

So there's this theory called Impression management. Impression Management is basically trying to control external perceptions of you. Its "playing different characters on different stages in front of different audiences" to receive an all around good reputation. I feel as though I have been doing that.

I originally created this blog to give people a better sense of who I was and what goes through my head. I have gotten away from that consequently from trying to tailor my posts to the ones that got the most feedback;the serious "deep" ones. I perpetuated my thinking and began to question all things usually taken for granted for the sake of my audience. But that's not right. I shouldn't have to sacrifice who I am to satisfy my audience. If you guys were really backing me you would consider everything I post.

With that, I will no longer sustain a fan pleasing blog....this is my journal. My story. My epiphanies. What you will see from now on is EVERYTHING that runs through my mind....I cant sacrifice any more. . . .I'm turning my back on entertainment. . .This is me.

Did you know sperm is great for your facial skin?

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Why are we sustaning a patriarchal society?

Early (Hence Early) Egyptian societies along the Nile Valley used men to do the hunting and women to take care of household manners and cultivate crops. Early Roman societies had "Paterfamilias", families led by the eldest male in their family. Early America didn't allow women to express their importance until the world war. We've done many things as a nation to create an "equal" society and we've made much progress but am I only the only one who has noticed that WE, the citizens of America, are underhandedly sustaining a patriarchal society. I've been taught growing up to strive to be the "man of the house"...extremely similar to a Roman Patresfamilias. My grandmother knows my grandfather is cheating on her but she refuses to stand up for her self because the bible says to remain submissive to your husband....no disrespect...bullshit.

I asked one of my Good Friends, Taylor Pettaway in a recent dialogue to define black female sexuality. I told her that black male sexuality is violence. The more violent you are the more of a man you are. Most black men cant express themselves through words so they seek to show how much of a man they are through violence. So i asked her what would she hypothesize black female sexuality is. She responded with two main points:

Black females are:

1. Considerate- They make sure all their responsibilities are handled and consider others before they consider themselves most times.
2. Embody masked submissiveness - With trying to make sure everyone else is straight, they tend to forget about themselves to please others.

With this I find a problem....When are the women going to be a bit more cynical and take thier equality? They have in the public eye...but when are they going to take this cynicism to their households and relationships? When are they going to show the men that its okay not to be the leader of a family (although the women usually are)? When are my ladies going to express their importance?! Stop settling for the bullshit tradition is feeding you!! The ONLY arena you guys will probably remain inferior in is physical strength (because its unattractive to be otherwise lol-but that can change too!) Hilary Clinton, Michele Obama, and Oprah Winfrey are doing it at home....When will you? I wanna see change ladies... prove my post to be specious. Please...stand up and eradicate this furtively patriarchal society.

Bitch!!!. . .How do we address you?

"Wassup Bitch!!" vs "Wassup Bitch"....Whats the difference? Its not that one is brighter than the other. Its not that one is liberals and one is conservative. Its that one can be used in delightful manner and another can be used in a disrespectful manner. Apparently to the youth the difference lies in the gender. Why is it that The term Bitch used between two females is a term of endearment but the term used from a male to a female is a term of disrespect? I have a pretty legit reason but I am more interested in what you guys think about this. Why does gender justify this double standard? Is it fair?



. . .Have you noticed that the term, "nigga" is beginning to be used in the same pattern? How do you feel about that?

Ladies I need your opinion again...

I used to be the guy who worked sooooo hard to keep his abs in tact. Now, I do what I can when I can. I find myself looking down on the kids who spend all thier time in the gym or on the floor of their dorm to maintain muscular prominence. To me...you guys need a life. The way I see it is, If someone is too cut...they dont too much going for themselves. No meetings, no study groups, maybe a few parties but overall...no life. Id rather keep my naturally fit body. I find that girls see the same thing that I see also. With that, Ill just find more corroborations so that I wont feel so bias...so Ladies what would you prefer?... and are thier certain situations that the significance of having a chiseled body or toned body varies?

. . . Talk to me ladies

The Statue of Liberty should flip us off!

The reflection theory simply says that the media doesn't put producers imaginations on the screen or through the channels, it reflects what is already in society to an exacerbated level. In sociology class we were watching this movie called Bowling for Columbine. Usually I would give you a brief synopsis of the movie and its meaning but I'm not going to do that in this case...I want to give you, the reader, a charge to watch the movie yourself.

What I realize is yes the media has power. More in depth, the cool people or instruments in media have more power because people don't buy into what they need. People strive to buy what they want; a social satisfaction of being accepted. In doing so the cool people often times exploit the problems in our society rather than the solution. In the movie it uses the example of Merilyn Manson. They were in the height of their tour and were scheduled to do a few concerts around the Detroit and Littleton areas of Michigan. Being only a few days after the "Columbine", the citizens protested the rock group. They blamed them and music artists like them for being the reason behind the calamities that occur so frequently in America's society.


I differ. If they were to do something of that sort, why don't they outcast all media as a whole then. The news only shows murders, mishaps or political misfires. The radio stations only exploit the shortcomings of the political realm and the musical arena. The TV habitually shows what people are interested in, to sell, rather than to tell them what they need, to help. In the movie he interviewed the producer of cops and asked him to make a movie based on the causes of the crimes rather than exploiting the criminals. The producer simply replied " No...its too hard...It wont sell" Shameful is what Id say. Shameful because he is too cynical to consider the betterment of his society.

I am functional theorist, meaning that I consider everything in society to contribute into the main function of society. WE all contribute to society whether its attentive or not. With that I find it hard to accept the conventional key to success in America. Key= Find out how things work they way they do, then manipulate it to benefit your self.

The media knows that people know right from wrong. They know where to go for more advice on how to better the sociological state that we are in. So instead of fine tuning that advice and offering more...they exploit the problems that's going on. (How do so many people hate Karl Marx...cause he was spitting the truth??) They know that society is nosy. People want to know about the life they don't live. They want to know what they are missing out on rather than fixing what is hurting us as a whole. . . .I'm sicking of building up. fuck it...here's my point.


. . .The statistics show that America has more murders than any other Continent. The total consensus of murders of the world doesn't beat America by too much. ...That's HORRIBLE...Its ironic because most other societies play on violence more than we do.So whats the difference?...It lies in the discrepancy of our motives. America sells what people want rather than what they need. They sell the problem immensely more than the solution whereas foreign societies either have a balance of the two, or sell the latter one more than the first. The statue of liberty should throw up a middle finger...cause America is fucking its citizens over. So may I ask, what are your motives behind your next big move?...and if its cynical, thank you for proving my point.

Reverted perception of the ANKH

I have this witty, quizzacious professor for World History; Topical Approach. While in class not too long ago he ellaborates in depth on the ankh. I listen with a purpose; and although that purpose was just to have some more knowledge, i found myself disrespecting the symbolism. He mentioned that the ankh was the first symbol of life and purification. That the symbol was used more religously than the cross back in ancient times. The cross was often depicted as a symbol of pain, sacrifice and death becuase of the mythical crucification of Jesus of Nazerath. he then went on to break down the ankh. The loop at the top is a representation of a female organ, the middle leg is representative of a male organ and the arms are representing testicles. These all coincide to engender the thought of "life".
It represents the continuation of secular life and the goal of eternal life.

Think that meant anything to me....nope! I was walking around campus immaturely laughing at the smartasses that wore balls, penises, and vagina on their neck! I thought to myself "If I took a picture of me inside someone would they wear it with the same pride" lol....They dont even know who's penis it is! Taking the stand point of Ancient Egypt, it couldnt have been Osiris's (Egyptian God of the underworld)!! Hell his wife couldn't even find it when she was recollecting his body parts after Osiris's brother, Seth dismembered his body and spread it all around Kemet. She used a dildo to impregnate herself for God's Sake!! LMAO

But after I had my fun, I acknowledged my ignorance and found a greater respect for the ankh. The ankh represents purification, life on Earth, eternal life, sunrise and religion. All these sacramental intangibles represented by one symbol. A butt load of Egyptian Pharaohs wore these and even some that went on to be held high as a God, wore them.It got so powerful that Pharaohs not only changed their name to have the god they worship in their names but also to have ankh in it. Ever heard of King Tut...try King TUTankhamen. To go even further, many pharaohs are shown in thier tombs grasping two ankhs symboliaing that they will forever "hold on to life".That's powerful man. . . Im on my way to buy my first ankh, so that i can grab a hold of life.

. . .So while surfing through pis that best fit my entry, I come across "Vampire Ankhs" and "Gothic Ankhs". . . How fuckin twisted is that. I would post a pic of it, but that would be so damn contradicting to my blog entry, nevertheless the quintessent meaning of the Ankh. Go look it up...and tell me the meaning of it and why they decided to disrespectfully use the ankh revamped to their desires. Cause from what i read on multiple internet sources, they all only ellaborate on the meaning of egyptian ankhs....can they give corroborations to that twisted ish?