Im at a Paradox

I'm at a crossroads and before I begin to blab my way into a direction I must first apologize to my girlfriend, J'Nae. See last night I was on Facebook...posting pictures and instant messaging friends like and nonproductive facebook addict would do. Out of nowhere my ex and I began to have this rather weird conversation about the purpose of a quickie.

She had a debate with a friend and decided to argue with me for further clarification on the purpose of a quickie and what makes it worthwhile. Me and her can have conversations like that because we have em all the time lol. If we didn't date before and have this mysterious aura of "what if" between us all the time, I can honestly say I think she'd be a great candidate for a best friend. We're that cool.

So the conversation altered a couple times until we came to the point of ..."What ever happened between us?" We used to be a couple that was unbreakable with chemistry unmatchable. My friends envied me and my family was dying to meet her. Heres a post I wrote about how I felt about her during the summer. But now it seems as if were just accepting the roles of Exes with good convos. So I decided to be candidly honest. ...It was really me trying to hold on to a bond that was losing existence. My thesis is, we separated due to my anticipation of matriculation that engendered insecurities throughout her mindset that we wouldn't be able to sustain our relationship because of all the distractions and schedule changes I would undergo. I think at this point she became so meticulous that she was noticing everything. From things I do normally, to things I didnt notice I do, to things I may have thought I was slick doing. She caught everything...and I tried to defend everything. And. . .that never goes well with her lol...So as time went on..our chemistry flopped and our relationship ended. I wanted to hold on to it cause we've put so much into it butI realized that maybe it was the end of our season, so I hopped off the bandwagon when given the chance. [She really cut me though lol =( ]

Looking back on what I left, I felt dumb, illogically thrived and like a failure. She was the best girl Ive ever had and I let it go...Instead of fighting through it I let it go...That easy huh Jeff??? It ate me up inside...but I concealed it and tried to get adjusted to the good friends role. It was going very well, and still can..but last night she revealed something to me that had me like "FUCK!!".

I thought the way I felt was not mutual but I was wrong. She wrote a post on a blog we made together to elaborate how felt about each other during the relationship that in essence said "I miss you but I don't want you" ..lol fucked up! lol....So I started thinking. And rather hard.

If I had have said something before it got too late would I still have my ex as my "first lady"? If I chased after her now would that even be right?

I started a relationship with a female up here at Spelman and shes such a good girlfriend! I swear shes the shit!...but So many feeling of the past plague my heart right now. Reminiscing on the past is killing me. Its like...I want to recapture my past...but that doesn't seem ethical. And I want to embrace my future but that doesn't seem logical. I cant be alone cuz that's a double lost.....I'm at a paradox. It seems like the fair thing to do isn't right and the right thing to do isn't fair.

Blogspot...what would you do?